Category Comedy

Political Blindside

Budge

State Politics in Australia
It’s a Sad State of Affairs

It’s the Blind leading the Blind

Earlier this week, Victorian State opposition leader, Mr Mutthew Gay, (Mutt) was on the hustle in Geelong campaigning for the November 2018 State Election

 

Erotism, Swingers and Pets. Should be an interesting campaign

Maybe I misread the article or read too much into it
But as i see it, Mutt reckons people in Geelong should bring their Pets along to Swinger parties in an effort to curtail the recent explosion in population growth…WTF?

He’s gone so far off the reservation I almost felt sorry for him
Mr Mutt Gay is one sick Puppy
But before I could say, RUOK?

He went further off tap
With a promise to build a School of Erotism
Just for kids….Was this guy serious?
Too late now but RU486, the morning after pill would’ve been ideal for this head case

Hang on. Something’s not quite right here
Could I have Misinterpreted something?
And yes, this is Australian Politics and few nations do weird and bizarre better than our Politicians

But even by our standards, they’ve really dialled in the Loco factor here
Have I taken something out of Context?
What am I not seeing?

I’ll admit that my eyes aren’t what they once were
And I was well overdue for my OPSM checkup
So off we went

OPSM Store security refused us entry
No Dogs allowed in Store
Should’ve gone to Spec Savers first
At least they were working dog friendly
But not anymore

Spec Savers banned us for life
All because some young Autistic kid tried to slot a 20 cent coin into the top of my dog’s skull
The simpleton kept trying until finally Fred snapped and bit the dim bastard

Braille is now my best friend
Fred was destroyed by the authorities
A Misunderstanding they said

Sorry Guy. Sorry Andrew or whatever your bloody names are
Perhaps my distorted interpretation has caused you grief
But it’s my opinion. Misguided and Misinformed as it maybe

Let’s not call it Slander
Let’s not call it a Mistake
Let’s put this down, just like you did to Fred
To a little Misunderstanding

No hard feelings eh

Blind Freddy

Fred

 

aP

God Friday

Budge

Thank God it’s Friday. But it’s no ordinary Friday. It’s Good Friday.

In the Christian calendar, Good Friday marks the beginning of Easter as we remember the day Jesus, the Son of God was Murdered

First Tortured and then Crucified
Hardly a Good day in my book

At least he could hang out with Dad again
But it was to be a short lived re-union
The Old Man sent him back
To finish what he’d started

Jesus put his emotional needs to one side
This wasn’t about him
It was about us and all of our Sins
So 3 days later he was back

Jesus, the Son of God had pulled a rabbit out of the hat
Back from the dead. That was Impressive
But in celebrating and remembering his miraculous Resurrection
We get the Chocolates..
Chocolate Rabbits

And on his Birthday? No Cigar there either
We get all the presents

So any speculation of the Messiah returning some day ends here
He won’t be making another comeback
Why would he after his last trip?

Plus he’s got other Worlds to Save
We had our chance

No matter what you believe
For the pious..thank God for the Holyday
For everyone else..thank Goodness for the Holiday

Either way, it’s a day off work
It’s All Good

aP

Monkey Business at Neverland

Budge

NEWS FLASH

Lawyers acting for Bubbles, the Chimpanzee friend of the deceased pop icon, Michael Jackson, have launched legal action against the Jackson estate

In the writ Bubbles makes a number of explosive allegations about lewd sex acts at the Jackson mansion, Neverland. He claims sexual rituals and games like, “Spank the Monkey”, “Blowing Bubbles” and “Swinging” were daily activities inside the Jackson compound.

Bubbles also implicated Debbie Rowe, the Mother of Jackson’s two children as a regular participant in group activities. The Chimp said he was intimate with Rowe on many occasions and, get this, alleges they have a child together. And that child was none other than Canadian Crooner, Michael Bublè.

The twisted perversion continues. Bubbles has filed a paternity suit seeking sole custody. Bubbles hopes to show his son the Family Tree and his position in it. Lawyers will argue despite being a Monkey, Bubbles shouldn’t be denied access to his offspring.

Frenzied gossip columnists and media organisations were falling over themselves trying to confirm these astonishing revelations. Mr Bublè couldn’t be reached. No surprise there. He was probably still in shock trying to wrap his noodle around his new found status as part ape and part man. 

Jackson had been dead for years. So the Media thought God might answer their questions but he was in a meeting and unavailable for comment. However, they did manage to get a hold of God’s spokesperson, Mr George Burns.

Mr Burns confirmed that Michael Jackson had indeed arrived at the gates of heaven but was promptly turned away. Burns went on to say and I quote:

“Michael was heard singing I’m Bad, I’m Bad as he ascended the Stairway to Heaven. When he Knock Knocked on Heavens Door, God told him to tell HisStory walking. MoonWalking or by any other means. …. God didn’t care.
His message to the gifted freak was clear and final.

Don’t Blame your shameful tale of woe on the Boogie-man, Billie Jean or Narcotics.
Take a long hard look at the Man in the Mirror.
Now Beat it. Just Beat It.

And with that, the Pearly Gates of Heaven slammed shut.” said Burns

Michael did look. He grabbed a mirror Off the Wall and saw a person neither Black nor White. As he made his way down to Hell was heard singing, My Bad, My Bad..

 

aP

 

Happiness Rut

Budge

The Age Newspaper posted an article on depression with advice on
“How to help a friend in a Rut” 

Here’s my Tip: I suggest you refer them to an Expert in His Field.

Dear Friend
I was in a Rut yesterday. It’s a constant battle
But look at me now

The Deer Hunter

                               Deer Today. Venison Tomorrow

Am I Happy today? You Bet
As for tomorrow, No Idea

The Happiness Curve. We all have our Ups and Downs
It’s only Natural

Peaks and Valleys
That’s Life

aP

ISS Expresso

Budge 2 Comments

The International Space Station (ISS) has it’s own expresso machine. NASA have dubbed it, the ISSpresso

and then i get creative suggesting that Ground control back on Earth (NesCafe) had forgotten to send  the coffee beans up with the Expresso machine.
Here’s the conversation between the Space Station (NASAcafe) and Ground Control (NesCafe)

Begin:
Sipping Expresso in Outer Space…but they forgot one thing.
Beans.

ISS Expresso

NASAcafe:  Where are the Coffee Beans?

NesCafe: Here at Ground Control

 NASAcafe:  No good to us down there.
Get Beans here ASAP

 

NesCafe: How?

NASAcafe: Waddaya mean how..How Long before you get em up here?

NesCafe: How Long is in Vietnam

NASAcafe: Don’t get cute with me Ground control. Just Bean them up

NesCafe: Like a giant Coffee Beanstalk?

NASAcafe: No not a Beanstalk…For fucks sake you little stick fiddler, get my beans teleported up here. We need our caffeine

NesCafe: Just to clarify, did you mean Beam instead of Bean?

NASAcafe: YES I MEAN BEAM NOT BEAN.. Now just Beam them up. This instant

NesCafe: On its way

NASAcafe: Received 1 bottle of Jim Beam. Thanks. Fuck the Expresso

aP

Good Mourning America

Budge

Donald Trump and his rug become the 45th President of the United States

Good grief. The Commander in Chief has a clear majority in both Houses of Congress giving him a mandate to run the country. 

Michael Moore, award winning political filmmaker is set to begin work on the sequel to Fahrenheit 911, called “Celsius 100 Million” 

Donald Trump
Tick tock tick tock

aP

Islamic State open rug franchise in Baghdad

Budge

Terror based organisation, Islamic State (ISIS) have partnered with hair growth company Advanced Hair Studio. The extremist group have announced there’ll be hell Toupay* if the West intervene.

A spokesman from IS issued a statement confirming the new strategic direction. “Our business is growing and so is our Headcount. Overhead costs need to shaved and further cost cutting measures are inevitable. To this end, we’ve engaged a Headhunting firm to recruit Al ‘Chainsaw’ Dunlap to Execute our strategy”

The IS model is simple:
The more hair you lose, the more head you’ll get.
Because at Islamic State, your head is in our hands

aP

*Correct spelling is ‘Toupee’ but some might pronounce it as Too Pee which wouldn’t work for the purpose of comedy

 

Siriously

Budge

Finally, a woman that understands me: Siri

She listens, speaks only when spoken to, follows instructions, is logical, intelligent, obedient and can Cook.
She exists only to serve her man. And its not me

Turns out that man is Tim Cook
Turns out she keeps no secrets at all

aP

Google Docs

Budge

Gone Missing: Letter to the Editor
How could this typo happen?
It’s Simple. 3 Reasons

The Age


1. Spellcheck = Ignored
2. Editor = Retrenched
3. Journalist = Cadet

At least I learnt something from the article. ‘Heath’ is a tract of wasteland, a shrubland habitat with infertile, acidic soils

Guess where I learnt that

aP

Political Knock Knockers

Budge

The oestrogen we had to have 

Commentary on Australia’s PM, Julia Gillard and her Machiavellian play to take the top job from a beleaguered Kevin Rudd. She delivered the news with a much publicised late night visit to his office in 2010….That was then and

This is now, June 2013. Speculation is mounting of a Kevin Rudd comeback having spent the last 3 years plotting his next course. Who knows, he may just have the last laugh.

aP

Mayday Mayday Appeal

Budge

Good Friday Appeal 
Donate now to PlanetFarkthat

A charitable message from the Director of Profiteering, Innovation, Donation Wealth Creation and Ethics at PlanetFarkthat, a commercial charity intent on saving..

Time is running out. Donate now before its too late.
To those who have already donated, thank you and please consider the following:

If you double your pledged amount, your goodwill gesture will be acknowledged on the “Planetfarkthat” social media channel.

If you triple it, the Director will donate 50% to aid the Nepalese earthquake victims.

If you quadruple it, he will donate 50% to feed the homeless.

If you quintuple your donation, he will donate 50% to help sick children live and help sick adults die.

If you sextuple your donation, he will buy a poppy farm to commemorate our dead soldiers. Then he will harvest the opium to kill pain in people and kill people in pain. The Director says the global demand for this alkaloid and its derivative generate massive profits and with these profits he can then fund all the other charities and bleeding hearts asking for money.
He can save.. with your money.

Farkthat. Give time. Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran did.

Poppy you are a duplicitous flower
Will we see bunches of you at their funerals?
Didn’t think so

aP

Bird Week not Bush Week

Budge

It’s not Bush week. It’s Bird Week

Birdlife Australia have made Oct 20th – Oct 26th Bird week and have launched a website to catalogue the vast array of birdlife amongst us. Just like a census, but for birds.

Accuracy will be an issue though because if a “Bird in the hand is worth 2 in the Bush” there could be some double ups.

 aP

Planet of the Apes

Budge

News of Eddie McGuire’s on air brain fade for suggesting that an indigenous AFL superstar be used to promote the King Kong  movie has bewildered everyone on Planet Earth. And not just Earth. His mega gaff  has gone inter galactic and created quite a stir on the Planet of the Apes.

Comparisons to humans have outraged many in the Ape kingdom. The Apes have gone…. well, they’ve gone completely ape shit at suggestions linking them to the human sub specie.

The Primates rallied to debunk the lineage myths of Intelligent Design and Evolutionary Theory. They concluded the Earthlings had a self destructive regressive mindset. Not the hallmarks of Intelligent beings.

The War of the Words will continue to divide. But Deeds shall unite.

aP

Make a Wish Foundation

Budge

I’ve just written to Make a Wish Foundation asking they help our Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, carry herself in a more dignified, statesman like way

Specifically, I wished for :

1/ No More Tears
2/ No More Trips and Falls

They sent me a Bottle of Shampoo and a note saying I was allowed only one wish. Otherwise they would’ve called themselves Make a Wishes Foundation

So I wrote back
Told them No More Tears was a 2 in 1 Shampoo Conditioner
They conceded on a technicality and granted my second wish

They sent me a *Slater and Gordon Personal Injury Claim Form

aP

*Julia Gillard has a law background and at one time worked for the high profile no win no fee legal firm, Slater and Gordon 

Senator Nick Xenophobic

Budge

X marks the spot. Senator Nick Xenophon is the second Australian diplomat in less than a week to earn the title…Prisoner X

Australian Senator, Nick Xenophon was detained at Malaysia’s Kuala Lumpur airport earlier today. Malaysian Immigration Officials said that a database technical glitch was responsible for putting the Senator on their “Watch list”

The database was interrogated at length. Many lines of queries run and every time, the same answer. Next to the checkbox labelled Political Persuasion was “Xenophobic”

Further investigations by Malay authorities revealed the Diplomatic incident occurred because a data entry clerk had incorrectly entered the Senator’s name as”Xenophobic”

The data entry clerk has been fired. By a squad of 12.

aP

Switch Bank

Budge

Can'tCan

planetBudge responds to the 2012 “Can’t” Commonwealth Bank campaign with their own Can story
It’s called Switch Bank. 

————————————————————–

Switch Bank

WestpacWestpacWestpac

Can’t…take it anymore?

Cunt….feel like something’s missing?

Count…you “o” it to yourself

Country…Australia’s first bank

Can…Switch back to the future

Can….no missing letters

Can….make it count

Can….Switch back

Switch Bank. Westpac.

It all adds up

aP

Jason Aka Manson

Budge

What do you get if you cross a Lion with a Dog and a Hero with a Villain? …..Jason Aka Manson

Background

This is a tribute to Jason Akermanis, the champion Western Bulldogs AFL footballer sacked in 2010 because his team mates felt they couldn’t “trust him.” Weeks earlier he got the public offside by stating he didn’t think AFL culture was ready to embrace homosexual players into it’s ranks. And in 2006, he was sacked by the Brisbane Lions after a fall out with coach Leigh Matthews.

Aker was no Saint but the Western Bulldogs treated him like a Demon. Hence the Charles Manson reference.
In any event, Aker’s book “Open Season” should make for an interesting read.

Paralympian Bob Nolapse creates stir in the pool

Budge

Paralympian swimmer Bob Nolapse from Equatorial Guinea has made a stand and won’t be swimming in the 100m freestyle final despite qualifying in the Heats. He said the water was too cold now and furthermore, that he was from Equatorial Guinea not Aquatorial Guinea. Bob suggested the International Paralympic Committee (IPC) schedule Synchronised swimming to raise the temperature in the pool.

The IPC replied, “Synchronised Paralympics Swimming. I’d like to see that”

aP