State Politics in Australia
It’s a Sad State of Affairs
It’s the Blind leading the Blind
Earlier this week, Victorian State opposition leader, Mr Mutthew Gay, (Mutt) was on the hustle in Geelong campaigning for the November 2018 State Election
Maybe I misread the article or read too much into it
But as i see it, Mutt reckons people in Geelong should bring their Pets along to Swinger parties in an effort to curtail the recent explosion in population growth…WTF?
He’s gone so far off the reservation I almost felt sorry for him
Mr Mutt Gay is one sick Puppy
But before I could say, RUOK?
He went further off tap
With a promise to build a School of Erotism
Just for kids….Was this guy serious?
Too late now but RU486, the morning after pill would’ve been ideal for this head case
Hang on. Something’s not quite right here
Could I have Misinterpreted something?
And yes, this is Australian Politics and few nations do weird and bizarre better than our Politicians
But even by our standards, they’ve really dialled in the Loco factor here
Have I taken something out of Context?
What am I not seeing?
I’ll admit that my eyes aren’t what they once were
And I was well overdue for my OPSM checkup
So off we went
OPSM Store security refused us entry
No Dogs allowed in Store
Should’ve gone to Spec Savers first
At least they were working dog friendly
But not anymore
Spec Savers banned us for life
All because some young Autistic kid tried to slot a 20 cent coin into the top of my dog’s skull
The simpleton kept trying until finally Fred snapped and bit the dim bastard
Braille is now my best friend
Fred was destroyed by the authorities
A Misunderstanding they said
Sorry Guy. Sorry Andrew or whatever your bloody names are
Perhaps my distorted interpretation has caused you grief
But it’s my opinion. Misguided and Misinformed as it maybe
Let’s not call it Slander
Let’s not call it a Mistake
Let’s put this down, just like you did to Fred
To a little Misunderstanding
No hard feelings eh
I’m Voting for Bill in the 2019 Federal Election
It’s a Vote for Free Speech
Everyone knows the name. Few know the man
This is the background story on Bill
The underdog representing the oppressed. Not Bill Shorten
Bill felt a rage towards a society.
He used to be the pin up boy for Free Speech
But not anymore. Lawmakers had turned him into a monster
He’d become a villain, a public enemy of sorts
Surely, Bill had rights? Wrong. Bill had problems
For Moron Bill’s Story, go to my Stories page or click here Bill Posters
It was The Greens versus The Boys in Blue
It was No Contest
Two Australian Native Gum Trees were felled to make way for a gas pipeline
Local Residents took to the street in protest
Once upon a time, Victoria was known as ‘The Garden State”
It was also known as a State “On the Move”
Today, it’s Still Moving….towards a Police State
Federal Politics in Australia
If you don’t Stand for something, you’ll fall for anything
The Greens…what do they Stand for?
Lets find out
Thank God it’s Friday. But it’s no ordinary Friday. It’s Good Friday.
In the Christian calendar, Good Friday marks the beginning of Easter as we remember the day Jesus, the Son of God was Murdered
First Tortured and then Crucified
Hardly a Good day in my book
At least he could hang out with Dad again
But it was to be a short lived re-union
The Old Man sent him back
To finish what he’d started
Jesus put his emotional needs to one side
This wasn’t about him
It was about us and all of our Sins
So 3 days later he was back
Jesus, the Son of God had pulled a rabbit out of the hat
Back from the dead. That was Impressive
But in celebrating and remembering his miraculous Resurrection
We get the Chocolates..
And on his Birthday? No Cigar there either
We get all the presents
So any speculation of the Messiah returning some day ends here
He won’t be making another comeback
Why would he after his last trip?
Plus he’s got other Worlds to Save
We had our chance
No matter what you believe
For the pious..thank God for the Holyday
For everyone else..thank Goodness for the Holiday
Either way, it’s a day off work
It’s All Good
Lawyers acting for Bubbles, the Chimpanzee friend of the deceased pop icon, Michael Jackson, have launched legal action against the Jackson estate
In the writ Bubbles makes a number of explosive allegations about lewd sex acts at the Jackson mansion, Neverland. He claims sexual rituals and games like, “Spank the Monkey”, “Blowing Bubbles” and “Swinging” were daily activities inside the Jackson compound.
Bubbles also implicated Debbie Rowe, the Mother of Jackson’s two children as a regular participant in group activities. The Chimp said he was intimate with Rowe on many occasions and, get this, alleges they have a child together. And that child was none other than Canadian Crooner, Michael Bublè.
The twisted perversion continues. Bubbles has filed a paternity suit seeking sole custody. Bubbles hopes to show his son the Family Tree and his position in it. Lawyers will argue despite being a Monkey, Bubbles shouldn’t be denied access to his offspring.
Frenzied gossip columnists and media organisations were falling over themselves trying to confirm these astonishing revelations. Mr Bublè couldn’t be reached. No surprise there. He was probably still in shock trying to wrap his noodle around his new found status as part ape and part man.
Jackson had been dead for years. So the Media thought God might answer their questions but he was in a meeting and unavailable for comment. However, they did manage to get a hold of God’s spokesperson, Mr George Burns.
Mr Burns confirmed that Michael Jackson had indeed arrived at the gates of heaven but was promptly turned away. Burns went on to say and I quote:
“Michael was heard singing I’m Bad, I’m Bad as he ascended the Stairway to Heaven. When he Knock Knocked on Heavens Door, God told him to tell HisStory walking. MoonWalking or by any other means. …. God didn’t care.
His message to the gifted freak was clear and final.
Don’t Blame your shameful tale of woe on the Boogie-man, Billie Jean or Narcotics.
Take a long hard look at the Man in the Mirror.
Now Beat it. Just Beat It.
And with that, the Pearly Gates of Heaven slammed shut.” said Burns
Michael did look. He grabbed a mirror Off the Wall and saw a person neither Black nor White. As he made his way down to Hell was heard singing, My Bad, My Bad..
Pelliative Care for Cardinal George Pell
You know it makes sense
Time to go George
Don’t get stung by greedy power companies
Look up and Save
The Age Newspaper posted an article on depression with advice on
“How to help a friend in a Rut”
Here’s my Tip: I suggest you refer them to an Expert in His Field.
I was in a Rut yesterday. It’s a constant battle
But look at me now
Am I Happy today? You Bet
As for tomorrow, No Idea
The Happiness Curve. We all have our Ups and Downs
It’s only Natural
Peaks and Valleys
Look no further
Happiness is Right Here. Right Now
Happiness is found between the Ears
So use them and listen to this wisdom below
And if you’re still feeling flat, click on the Sunflower video and watch the transformation from Weeds to Wonder unfold before your eyes.
Still not Happy?
Neither were 6 out of the 7 Dwarfs
Audio Source: Everybody’s Free (To wear Sunscreen)
Artist: Quindon Tarver 1999
From the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack
Happy Father’s Day to a special man
Generous, loving, forgiving and full of magical surprises, my father is responsible for so many happy memories
Sadly, our relationship isn’t what it used to be
When I wanted to learn more about him, he became more distant
Eventually he chose to ignore my attempts to connect
Inevitably, we drifted apart
I don’t see him anymore but I know where he lives
He’s busy tending to the lives of others
Despite being Poles apart
For me, Father’s Day will always be December 25th
So Happy Father’s Day, Father Christmas
Politics in Australia. There’s a Faction too much Fiction
What do our Politicians stand for these days and where do they sit on the political spectrum. Left, Right or somewhere in the Middle?
Don’t bother asking the Politicians. You gotta work it out yourself.
Take Malcolm Turnbull for example
I’ve been trying align his image to one side of the page
Tried to align it to the Left. That came up Short
Tried to align Malcolm in the Middle. Still too Short
And that was an American Sitcom. Made no sense. So that was out
Tried to align it to the Right. That was Perfect
That was Tight. A great Fit
Problem was he wanted it All
He wanted it All Right and Right now
Leaving no Space for others
I couldn’t Justify it
So I aligned his image to None
Not content playing a role in the peloton
Malcolm wanted to play his own game
And in 2015, he made his move
The mad monk, Tony Abbott was sent peddling into the sunset
Australia now had a new Prime Minister
And in 2016 after a Federal election win
By the narrowest of Margins
Malcolm managed to form a Minority government
Yet it wasn’t long before Malcolm was in a Muddle
Lines would be drawn and crossed
And they would continue to be drawn. And again they’d be crossed
The consequences of running the country on the edge of his Seat in a Divided House
Malcolm would eventually become a Footnote
But the real question lies in the big picture
As a nation, where’s Australia Heading?
To the Margins…
At least we’re all on the same Page
Smoke Signals in the Vatican
It’s the dawn of a new era
Pope Benedict vacates the top job
Gay Marriage endorsed by the Church
After days of deliberation. indecision and Grey Smoke
The Vatican announce to the world via a White Smoke signal
They’ve chosen the successor to Pope Benedict
But they drew the line at embracing Gay Marriage
That was a bridge too far
So God got involved and sent his message
The Rainbow said Yes to Marriage Equality
Female priests at the Tabernacle?
The International Space Station (ISS) has it’s own expresso machine. NASA have dubbed it, the ISSpresso
and then i get creative suggesting that Ground control back on Earth (NesCafe) had forgotten to send the coffee beans up with the Expresso machine.
Here’s the conversation between the Space Station (NASAcafe) and Ground Control (NesCafe)
Sipping Expresso in Outer Space…but they forgot one thing
NASAcafe: Where are the Coffee Beans?
NesCafe: Here at Ground Control
Get Beans here ASAP
NASAcafe: Waddaya mean how..How Long before you get em up here?
NesCafe: How Long is in Vietnam
NASAcafe: Don’t get cute with me Ground control. Just Bean them up
NesCafe: Like a giant Coffee Beanstalk?
NASAcafe: No not a Beanstalk…For fucks sake you little stick fiddler, get my beans teleported up here. We need our caffeine
NesCafe: Just to clarify, did you mean Beam instead of Bean?
NASAcafe: YES I MEAN BEAM NOT BEAN.. Now just Beam them up. This instant
NesCafe: On its way
NASAcafe: Received 1 bottle of Jim Beam. Thanks. Fuck the Expresso
Donald Trump and his rug become the 45th President of the United States
Good grief. The Commander in Chief has a clear majority in both Houses of Congress giving him a mandate to run the country.
Michael Moore, award winning political filmmaker is set to begin work on the sequel to Fahrenheit 911, called “Celsius 100 Million”
Tick tock tick tock
Terror based organisation, Islamic State (ISIS) have partnered with hair growth company Advanced Hair Studio. The extremist group have announced there’ll be hell Toupay* if the West intervene.
A spokesman from IS issued a statement confirming the new strategic direction. “Our business is growing and so is our Headcount. Overhead costs need to shaved and further cost cutting measures are inevitable. To this end, we’ve engaged a Headhunting firm to recruit Al ‘Chainsaw’ Dunlap to Execute our strategy”
The IS model is simple:
The more hair you lose, the more head you’ll get.
Because at Islamic State, your head is in our hands
*Correct spelling is ‘Toupee’ but some might pronounce it as Too Pee which wouldn’t work for the purpose of comedy
Finally, a woman that understands me: Siri
She listens, speaks only when spoken to, follows instructions, is logical, intelligent, obedient and can Cook.
She exists only to serve her man. And its not me
Turns out that man is Tim Cook
Turns out she keeps no secrets at all
Gone Missing: Letter to the Editor
How could this typo happen?
It’s Simple. 3 Reasons
1. Spellcheck = Ignored
2. Editor = Retrenched
3. Journalist = Cadet
At least I learnt something from the article. ‘Heath’ is a tract of wasteland, a shrubland habitat with infertile, acidic soils
Guess where I learnt that
Complete the last item on this list
- Alexander the Great
- Attila the Hun
- Ivan the Terrible
- Robert the Bruce
- Adolf the
The Prince of Peptides, James Hird has done it again. See the Bombers fly up, up to 2nd place on the AFL ladder. Another win and they take another 4 points
And that’s not all they take. They take everything known to mankind. Animal, Mineral or Vegetable. Even if its partially known to mankind. They’ll take it
But hats off to Jimmy. He’s dodged some heavy bullets thus far with a masterful play behind the scenes. Best game he’s ever played
James, you’re a man of Substance
Hird of Teflon. It’s not a question
If you believe morality has a place in modern sport, you probably also believe Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. Get real Australia. Lift the ban on Performance Enhancing Drugs.
Allegations of widespread professional doping inside the AFL and NRL has left the nation shell shocked. There will be plenty of casualties in the battle that looms between administrators, regulators, law enforcement, players and club officials. Stephen Dank has already fired the first shot by launching a $10 million defamation lawsuit against various media outlets. A pre-emptive strike inspired by disgraced professional cyclist Lance Armstrong and his legal strategy being the best method of defence is offence.
But what I’ve found most alarming is the general publics reaction of shock and horror. They are genuinely surprised by these revelations at Essendon People are entitled to feel betrayed and gutted at the grim prospect of widespread doping practices within their sacred sport. But don’t be surprised. It’s simply naive to think elite sport people are clean.
Wake up Australia.
Professional sport is NOT about providing role models for our children. That ship sailed long ago. It’s big business. It’s about highest scores, fastest times, world records and medals. It’s all about winning.
So why not give the green light to performance enhancing drugs? Let athletes take whatever they like, so long as it’s not illicit. Illegal drugs are a different matter entirely. With doping bans lifted, who knows, we may get to witness Usain Bolt running 100 metres in under 5 seconds. Or the footy season could be extended to 52 weeks per year. It makes no sense for society to keep placing ever greater demands upon athletes for success yet take the moral high ground when a scandal like this erupts. We banish losers and celebrate winners. Winners are bathed in glory and wealth. With such powerful forces motivating athletes to be “Simply the Best” surely people can’t be surprised that drugs are used to boost performance.
Wake up Australia.
Many will argue that allowing performance enhancing drugs is irresponsible and may reduce athlete life expectancy. And of course the old chestnut about the message this would send to our children. I’ll say it again, sport is about winning. It is NOT about being role models for our kids. It’s big business.
Wake up Australia.
Performance enhancing drugs are here to stay. Governing bodies need to think through a new paradigm. Afterall, it was progressive thinking that decriminalised homosexual acts in Australia in 1969. So in less than one generation our laws have changed from it being a crime to being legally recognised. And two thousand years ago, the Romans used to feed Christians to hungry Lions. Back then it was considered normal. Today our society is very different. Point being; we need policies and laws that are in step with modern day reality.
The sooner they lift all bans on performance enhancing drugs the better. And it will happen. It might not be in my lifetime but down the road, it’ll become a reality. So let’s start the discussion. Obviously there will be resistance as the many vested interests fight to justify their existence. Currently, the anti-doping agencies are locked in a cat and mouse game with those seeking to avoid detection. Careers are on the line. But lift the ban and the tables turn as the anti doping industry becomes redundant.
But until that day, get outraged, vent your spleen and then get over it. Drugs in sport are here to stay.
Wake up Australia.
The oestrogen we had to have
Commentary on Australia’s PM, Julia Gillard and her Machiavellian play to take the top job from a beleaguered Kevin Rudd. She delivered the news with a much publicised late night visit to his office in 2010….That was then and
This is now, June 2013. Speculation is mounting of a Kevin Rudd comeback having spent the last 3 years plotting his next course. Who knows, he may just have the last laugh.
Economists, Pollsters, Futurists…there’s certainly no shortage of ‘experts’ ready to predict the future in confident and unambiguous tones.
But why do they often get it so terribly wrong?
When we look back in the past, whatever it is, be it our own experiences, the GFC, or whatever, we rationalise that whatever the thing was that happened was always going to happen. Like it was somehow inevitable.
With the benefit of hindsight, it’s easy to tell a cohesive, rational explanation of what happened and if only we had used common sense, this thing could have been avoided.
But when we’re in the present moment living our complicated lives and looking ahead, the answer is not so clear as uncertainty prevails.
In other words, we’re really deceiving ourselves into believing we understand something that in fact we don’t.
The media are more likely to give airtime to forecasters that are certain and decisive. The pundits that hedge or provide a more circumspect answer are often overlooked by the media.
One thing you can be certain of
Forecasting is a mugs game
In July 2016, former Australian Labor Party [ALP] Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd’s nomination for the UN Secretary General role was rejected. He claims he was betrayed by current Liberal Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull who initially endorsed his nomination and then rejected it. Humiliated and bitter, Rudd went on a media blitz challenging Turnbull to explain.
In 2010, former Liberal Party Prime Minister and cricket tragic, John Howard was unsuccessful in his bid to become President of the International Cricket Council [ICC] without any meaningful explanation despite having all the credentials.
Turf Wars. It’s just not Cricket. It’s Political..
Kevin Rudd clean bowled by a Malcolm Turnbull fast curve ball which hit Middle stump.
Rudd despatched without score.
John Howard run out when he was a shoo-in for the International Cricket Council (ICC) Presidency back in 2010.
Malcolm Speed, former ICC Chief Executive was Stumped
Both failed to score.
But It’s just not Cricket
Kevin was on the Left
John was on the Right
Malcolm was Right in the Middle of it
It’s Political and
Also known as “Fecal Gravity”
You know what they say about opinions…
“If I want your Opinion, I’ll give it to you”
You’ll own anyone with that little nugget