God Friday

Thank God it’s Friday. But it’s no ordinary Friday. It’s Good Friday.

In the Christian calendar, Good Friday marks the beginning of Easter as we remember the day Jesus, the son of God was Murdered

First Tortured and then Crucified
That’s hardly a Good day in my book

At least he could hang out with Dad again
It’d been over 30 years since their last meeting
But his Superior and Disapproving Father promptly sent him back
To finish what he’d started

And so 3 days later Jesus made his comeback
He put his emotional needs to one side
This wasn’t about him. It was for us and all of our Sins

Jesus, the Son of God had pulled a rabbit out of the hat
By magically returning from the dead
Now that was impressive
But in celebrating and remembering his miraculous Resurrection
We celebrate with Rabbits and Chocolate

While I’m on the subject, how do you reckon Christians remember his Birthday?
With an old fat bloke dressed in a red suit flying through the night sky in an open sleigh powered by 12 time traveling reindeer

Any speculation of the Messiah returning some day ends here
He won’t be making another comeback

Why would he after his last trip?
Plus he’s got other worlds to save
We had our chance

No matter what you believe
For the pious..thank God for the Holyday
For everyone else..thank Goodness for the Holiday

Either way, it’s a day off work
It’s All Good

aP

Monkey Business at Neverland

NEWS FLASH

Lawyers acting for Bubbles, the Chimpanzee friend of the deceased pop icon, Michael Jackson, have launched legal action against the Jackson estate

In the writ Bubbles makes a number of explosive allegations about lewd sex acts at the Jackson mansion, Neverland. He claims sexual rituals and games like, “Spank the Monkey”, “Blowing Bubbles” and “Swinging” were daily activities inside the Jackson compound.

Bubbles also implicated Debbie Rowe, the Mother of Jackson’s two children as a regular participant in group activities. The Chimp said he was intimate with Rowe on many occasions and, get this, alleges they have a child together. And that child was none other than Canadian Crooner, Michael Bublè.

The twisted perversion continues. Bubbles has filed a paternity suit seeking sole custody. Bubbles hopes to show his son the Family Tree and his position in it. Lawyers will argue despite being a Monkey, Bubbles shouldn’t be denied access to his offspring.

Frenzied gossip columnists and media organisations were falling over themselves trying to confirm these astonishing revelations. Mr Bublè couldn’t be reached. No surprise there. He was probably still in shock trying to wrap his noodle around his new found status as part ape and part man. 

Jackson had been dead for years. So the Media thought God might answer their questions but he was in a meeting and unavailable for comment. However, they did manage to get a hold of God’s spokesperson, Mr George Burns.

Mr Burns confirmed that Michael Jackson had indeed arrived at the gates of heaven but was promptly turned away. Burns went on to say and I quote:

“Michael was heard singing I’m Bad, I’m Bad as he ascended the Stairway to Heaven. When he Knock Knocked on Heavens Door, God told him to tell HisStory walking. MoonWalking or by any other means. …. God didn’t care.
His message to the gifted freak was clear and final.

Don’t Blame your shameful tale of woe on the Boogie-man, Billie Jean or Narcotics.
Take a long hard look at the Man in the Mirror.
Now Beat it. Just Beat It.

And with that, the Pearly Gates of Heaven slammed shut.” said Burns

Michael did look. He grabbed a mirror Off the Wall and saw a person neither Black nor White. As he made his way down to Hell was heard singing, My Bad, My Bad..

 

aP

 

Political Blindside

State Politics in Australia
It’s a Sad State of Affairs

It’s the Blind leading the Blind

Earlier this week, Victorian State opposition leader, Mr Mutthew Gay, (Mutt) was on the hustle in Geelong campaigning for the November 2018 State Election

 

Con Text

Swingers, Pets and Erotism. This will be an interesting campaign.

Maybe I misread the article or read too much into it
But as i see it, Mutt reckons people in Geelong should bring their Pets along to Swinger parties in an effort to curtail the recent explosion in population growth…WTF?

He’s gone so far off the reservation with that comment I almost felt sorry for him
Mr Mutt Gay is one sick Puppy
But before I could say, RUOK?

He went further off tap
Education before Population he proudly boasted
And promised to build a School of Erotism
Just for kids….Was this guy serious?
RU486 would’ve been ideal for this head case

Now hold on a minute. Something’s not quite right here
Could I have Misinterpreted something?
Yes, this is Australian Politics and few nations do weird and bizarre better than our Politicians

But even by our standards, they’ve really dialled in the Loco factor here
Have I taken something out of Context?
What am I not seeing?

I’ll admit that my eyes aren’t what they once were
I figured now was a good time for my annual OPSM checkup
So off we went

But OPSM Store security refused us entry
I should’ve gone to Spec Savers first
At least they were working dog friendly
Not anymore though

Spec Savers banned us for life
All because some young Autistic kid tried to slot a 20 cent coin into the top of my dog’s skull
The simpleton kept trying until finally Fred snapped and bit the dim bastard

Braille is now my best friend
After Fred was destroyed by the authorities
A Misunderstanding they said

Sorry Guy. Sorry Andrew or whatever your bloody names are
Perhaps my distorted interpretation has caused you grief
But it’s my opinion. Misguided and Misinformed as it maybe

Let’s not call it Slander
Let’s not call it a Mistake
Let’s put this down, just like you did to Fred
To a little Misunderstanding

No hard feelings eh

aP

Happiness Rut

The Age Newspaper posted an article on depression with advice on
“How to help a friend in a Rut” 
Here’s my Tip. I suggest you refer them to an Expert in His Field.
See Below

 

Dear Friend
I was in a Rut yesterday. It’s a constant battle
But look at me now

The Deer Hunter

Expert in his Field

Am I Happy today? You Bet
As for tomorrow, No Idea

The Happiness Curve. We all have our Ups and Downs
It’s only Natural

Peaks and Valleys
That’s Life

aP

ISS Expresso

The International Space Station (ISS) has it’s own expresso machine. NASA have dubbed it, the ISSpresso

and then planetBudge gets creative suggesting Ground control back on Earth had forgotten to send coffee beans  up with the expresso machine.
Here’s the conversation between the Space Station (NASAcafe) and Ground Control (NesCafe)

Begin:
Sipping Expresso in Outer Space…but they forgot one thing
Beans

ISS Expresso

NASAcafe:  Where are the Coffee Beans?

NesCafe: Here at Ground Control

 NASAcafe:  No good to us down there.
Get Beans here ASAP

 

NesCafe: How?

NASAcafe: Waddaya mean how..How Long before you get em up here?

NesCafe: How Long is in Vietnam

NASAcafe: Don’t get cute with me Ground control. Just Bean them up

NesCafe: Like a giant Coffee Beanstalk?

NASAcafe: No not a Beanstalk…For fucks sake you little stick fiddler, get my beans teleported up here. We need our caffeine

NesCafe: Just to clarify, did you mean Beam instead of Bean?

NASAcafe: YES I MEAN BEAM NOT BEAN.. Now just Beam them up. This instant

NesCafe: On its way

NASAcafe: Received 1 bottle of Jim Beam. Thanks. Fuck the Expresso

aP

 

Good Mourning America

Donald Trump and his rug become the 45th President of the United States

Good grief. The Commander in Chief has a clear majority in both Houses of Congress giving him a mandate to run the country. 

Michael Moore, award winning political filmmaker is set to begin work on the sequel to Fahrenheit 911, called “Celsius 100 Million” 

Donald Trump
Tick tock tick tock

aP

Islamic State open rug franchise in Baghdad

Terror based organisation, Islamic State (ISIS) have partnered with hair growth company Advanced Hair Studio. The extremist group have announced there’ll be hell Toupay* if the West intervene.

A spokesman from IS issued a statement confirming the new strategic direction. “Our business is growing and so is our Headcount. Overhead costs need to shaved and further cost cutting measures are inevitable. To this end, we’ve engaged a Headhunting firm to recruit Al ‘Chainsaw’ Dunlap to Execute our strategy”

The IS model is simple:
The more hair you lose, the more head you’ll get.
Because at Islamic State, your head is in our hands

aP

*Correct spelling is ‘Toupee’ but some might pronounce it as Too Pee which wouldn’t work for the purpose of comedy